Honest Apologies
Apologizing seems to be quite complicated.
We have met individuals who proclaim never to say they are sorry or apologize because “everything is unfolding just as it should,” “everything happens for a reason,” “there are no accidents,” “the Lord works in mysterious ways,” “the best gifts can sometimes come poorly wrapped,” or other similar excuses.
Every now and then, we meet someone who is always saying they are “sorry;” however, they say this as more of a reaction, as opposed to genuinely being sorry.
And then there are others who apologize simply to keep the peace.
Lastly, there are those who reserve their apologies for times when they are truly sorry for something they have said or done, and they feel remorse. They are sorry.
We would like to encourage some intentionality and consideration when it comes to apologizing in the hopes that we can all move toward making authentic, sincere apologies.
The words we use matter, and when they become complicated and confusing, it affects us all.
Even though we may honestly believe that “everything is unfolding just as it should,” if we have hurt someone, not apologizing is not helpful. Instead, it discounts the other person’s experience and tries to cover up our misstep with a spiritual-sounding sentiment that doesn’t do anything to ease their pain. In fact, saying “everything happens for a reason” can seem like an attempt to make our poor behavior appear divinely inspired.
When we are constantly saying “I’m sorry” for things that don’t require an apology – or without changing our behavior – this contributes to degrading our sincerity when we really do want to make a genuine apology. We had the experience of someone who apologized for the wind! What is interesting about the constant apologizers is that they say, “I’m sorry,” but often continue to do what they are supposedly sorry about – like interrupting your conversation or continuing to talk when you told them you had to leave.
Those who apologize to keep the peace are more common than we may realize. They make themselves low and hold in their hurt, anger, resentment, and frustration until one day they can’t hold it in any longer. Even though they apologized, they weren’t really sorry, and they are now tired of putting themselves down. Their anger confuses everyone because no one knew how they were really feeling. Apologizing to keep the peace is not helpful for true authentic relationships.
If we can all become more intentional and authentic, reserving our apologies only for when they are necessary and we are willing to change our behavior, we will realize that an honest apology actually feels good – and creates the connection we all need.