Letting Go of Advice Giving
We hope you are all doing well and enjoying our last days of summer. For us, this time of year always feels like a new beginning – and we are excited for more coaching and our new course beginning Tuesday evening.
In all our courses, we spend the first few minutes of the first session presenting our Group Expectations, which include our guidelines for creating a positive group experience. One guideline is No Advice Giving.
It’s always interesting because when we share this guideline, many people don’t know what to say. They will sit in the group, rather awkwardly silent, because if they can’t give advice, they are unsure how to contribute to the discussion. This is not conjecture on our part; our class participants have shared their experiences with us!
Giving advice to one another is something many of us do without really thinking. Yet, giving advice to someone who has not asked for it can cause a lot of problems, including:
Hurt Feelings – When we give advice without fully understanding the other’s situation, we can cause a lot of hurt – and even trigger past pain. While it may not be our intention to hurt someone else’s feelings, this is often what happens. Even after hearing our Group Expectations, we have had people in our groups give advice that was so way off track that the person receiving the “advice” never, ever came back to the group and told us why.
Embarrassment or Shame – When we share what we think someone else should do or not do, there can be a reaction of embarrassment. Why did I do what I did? I should have known better. What will the others think of me now? How can I ever show my face in this group again? Shame is different than guilt. Guilt is: I did something bad, while shame is: I AM bad. When we are in a group setting or even sitting around the family dinner table, it is easy to go into shame when receiving unasked for advice.
Advice giving is judging. Now, this one may taste a bit sour when you first read it; however, just stop and think about it for a moment. How can you give someone else unasked for advice without coming from a place of judgment? We all have opinions. Yet, it is essential to remember that UNLESS WE ARE ASKED, the most loving and kind thing to do is to keep our opinions to ourselves. And when we ARE ASKED, we must be thoughtful, kind, and gentle.
These are important things to think about when dealing with our family, friends, and colleagues as well. How often do family troubles begin when someone says something out of turn that cannot be taken back? Unasked for advice is a poison to relationships and connection.
With the coming holidays and gathering with friends and family, please remember to BE INTENTIONAL with your words. Think about what you are saying and imagine how it would feel to be on the receiving end of your words. We can all let go of advice giving because it doesn’t contribute to connection and belonging.